This is a very personal blog to me. This is the ever evolving story of my coming to the feet of Jesus Christ, my personal Savior. It is a unique journey and is mine alone. I want to try to capture all of the details regarding my faith. And I do this for my benefit. Because I know that there will be times that I may want to look back and remind myself of days and moments that meant so much to me. You may ask me my name. And I may reveal that to you. But not right now. I will do so when I have reach the end of my story. Where ever the end may be.
So, let me begin.
I was raised in a family that was grounded in faith. But that faith was not actually taught daily in my home growing up. My father came from a home where Christian faith was prominent and alive. But my mother, while being raised in a religious home, did not practice faith in our home. I don't know but I believe that the decision to not raise us as "church going" children may have been hers. But I cannot say for sure. I know at the time of her passing, she had found her way to acceptance of Jesus Christ. My father, he never let his faith dwindle. He had a strong sense of Christian life and was always ready to talk to us about faith and questions that we had. I had some.
I did reach a point in my early adult years where I began to question why I was here. Why was my life so empty and felt like something was missing. My dad had a lot of influence on my faith. When questioning things, he would always tell me that all I had to do was ask for Jesus to come into my life. My dad was the one that helped my older sister find faith and he helped me too. We went to church together for awhile but this was back in probably 1980 or so.
I must tell you how I came to believe. My life was really in a dark place and I was heartbroken. My love, the one that I was to marry, decided that was not going to happen and broke off the engagement. I was devastated. I search for things to ease my pain. I was really feeling empty. So I ask, thru my tears, for Jesus to come into my life and help me to overcome this despair. He did. Oh how he did! I felt a touch on my shoulder, while I was laying crumpled in my tears. And all of the dark feelings left me instantly. Listen, maybe you don't believe this. That's ok. This is my experience and my truth. This is my testimony. I was convinced that the Holy Spirit had touched me. To this day, I am still convinced. But faith didn't become permanent at that time. No, I had a way to go before I could find that kind of peace again.
The thing was, at that time, I was living a double life. I had faith but had friends who did not. I was wanting to be part of my circle of friends and had to hide a lot of my faith. I didn't want them to not like me! I wanted to belong to them... and to Jesus. It was hard. I don't recall ever sharing with them my personal experience. Not once. I remember the minister of my church asking if he could come by for tea sometime. I was living with a roommate at the time. I couldn't even begin to imagine what she would have thought if a minister all of a sudden appeared in our apartment! Listen, we didn't actually live a christian lifestyle then. I just couldn't bring him there. And I stopped going to church
Journey towards finding help and comfort in Christian Faith
OK, so my faith didn't disappear overnight or anything. I stumbled around most of my life. Going from one thing to another. One love to another. Searching for something I guess. I suffered many heartbreaks. Love was just beyond my reach it seemed. But I did eventually marry and have 2 children. But I married an alcoholic. A non-believer as well. There I was, raising my children and trying to do damage control at the same time. I know I began to become very bitter and cynical. But would lose it if you told me that! Angrily defending that I was a positive person. It's almost laughable now.
When you are not sitting firmly with faith and practicing being a christian, there is a lot of room for distraction. Hey, look over here... Maybe you might be happier if you just did this... You know, he doesn't deserve you... all these kinds of thoughts and self talk were coming into my life and I know the source. Yes, I know it now. I didn't then. But Satan was really kicking it up so that he could draw me away from God. I let him. Oh my God, I let him.
And then came the day that Satan almost won. Well, he won for awhile but God got me back! But that part comes later.
The turning point for me, and by that I mean the point I turned away from God, was the day that I read The Davinci Code. It's a book written by Dan Brown and he is a great author. He is one of my favorites. But this book, this book broke my faith into pieces. And Satan danced.
I am not blaming this book or movie in anyway here. It isn't evil or whatever, It is fiction. And must be viewed as such. But there were parts of that story that really shocked me. And I did some research on those things to see if there was anything to support them. I found a lot of stuff. Yep. It really shook me up. I felt that I was deceived and I turned away from all teachings of the Bible. I still believed that there was a God but as far as Jesus was concerned, I just didn't believe anymore. I was very very confused. And, instead of turning to God for answers, where did I go? To the internet. And listen, the internet is full of false information and damaging things - the same way it is full of good information and helpful things. The problem lies in what do we choose to believe? Each side has experts and opinions and facts. It is so very confusing to try and figure out what to believe. I choose to believe the wrong stuff. Plain and simple. And I went further and further down a rabbit hole, finding more and more information to discredit the divinity of Jesus Christ. A very dangerous path to follow. It left me so empty and dark. My soul was bleeding.
Empty soul. Dark mind. Unappreciated. Crippled emotionally. Unable to relate with others. Critical. Argumentative. Suspicious. Bitter.
These are terms that others might have described me. Not usually to my face but I know what my behavior was during those years. Yes, Years!
I lost my marriage. I was a terrible parent, unable to correctly raise my children. The fact that they survived and they are not delinquents and worse is purely by the grace of God. My darkest confession is that I actually preached to them about how religion was man made and not to be trusted. I spoke to my children and anyone who would listen to me about this. How could God ever forgive me for this! But he did. He truly did.
I spoke out one time at Christmas in my sister's home. I started laying out the "facts" I had found. In her home. In her christian home. I am amazed that she did not just throw me out. Blasphemy. I believe that is the word. Yet she did not react in anger. She just stood her ground firmly. And I felt superior because she was believing in something that was no more than myth... I was so very very wrong.
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. And I believe in Satan. Maybe not the Linda Blair version of satanic possession in the Exorcist. But there is evil in this world and it walks silently, waiting for opportunities to sneak into our lives and minds. It feeds in our pain and misery. It laughs at our struggles. It rejoices in our tears. But God watches over us. He is waiting patiently for us to turn to him He will rescue us from everything and anything. We just need to turn to him and ask him. Ask Jesus Christ to live with us. And lead us. He will lead us out of the darkest valleys to the greatest heights full of light and love. Grace he has and he has an abundance of it.
I think I wondered around in the desert for more than 20 years. I lost many friends and couldn't understand why everyone was against me. What had I done to deserve to be treated this way. The backstabbers in my life were nasty people! I was more intelligent than them. I deserved praise and respect! Why doesn't anyone want to have lunch with me??? Why do they not like me?? What am I doing wrong??
Is it...could it possibly be...me? It took me a long time to finally turn inward and look at who I had become. How did I come to this point? Who the hell am I? When you no longer recognize yourself, or have moved so far away from who you want to be, you need to stop and look inward.
So I did. And I went back to church.
If you would like to learn more about my personal journey, come meet me in the middle.
Thank you so much to the people who have helped me along the way....
Thank you for helping me in serving legal papers. You were always compassionate and kind during all of that time. I did not know what to do with the court documents or what was required to serve someone, and you just told me you would handle it. And you did.
I really enjoyed your security guard training. You were very kind and helpful. And your assistance in finding me the right security job was no small task. I truly appreciate what you did for me.
When I was moving out and could not afford much, you were there to help me pay for my junk removal
Thank you so very much when my fridge went out. There is no way that I could have afforded any appliance repair at the time. You were so kind in fixing it for free.
It is important that we all remember to support local businesses. They live and work within our communities. And are often our neighbors. As such, if you are looing for good, quality, painters be sure to seek out Painters Enterprise. They contribute to keeping our community vibrant and thriving. Let's support local when we can.
This world is full of angels. I met one the other night. I was kind of stranded, stupid as I was, and trying to get a ride home. Luckly this angel from a towing company appeared and offered me a ride home. Very generous indeed. And I want him to know that I really appreciated his kindness. He doesn't like to be called an angel, but in my mind, he is.
I would also like to give a bit of a shout out to my cousin. He has been down on his luck for awhile now. With the help of our church, I think things are starting to turn around for him. He recently got hired for the upcoming season as a fence builder and I am so grateful. It has been difficult all over and, knowing that God still has his hand in everything has been really comforting.